"Who are you becoming, Dawn?"
The 10 minute message came through Whatsapp about an hour after it'd been sent it and I decided to take a break from housework to have a listen.
As I relax on the bed and press play to hear the message, my gaze lands on the oversized exposed lightbulb hanging over the bed. It's the kind of bulb that looks like it would appear in a cartoon thought bubble after someone gets an idea or has an 'aha' moment. It's cute and surprisingly perfect for our new minimalist bedroom.
We'd hastily chosen it because we hadn't been able to agree on a light fixture and the additional - ahem - input - from the in-laws was adding pressure to the already tedious task. So we'd just grabbed it as a placeholder with the intention of going back to the store for a more suitable light at a later time. But as soon as we'd installed this random light bulb we knew it was here to stay. It was just perfect.
It's happy accidents like that that make me smile.
So I'm staring up at the lightbulb with a smile on my face listening to this voice message when this question comes up and snaps me back to reality.
Who am I becoming?
I'm shocked as I realize I don't have an immediate answer. My mind was actually blank. In fact, one of my favorite movies, "Back to the Future" pops into my head and I start thinking about the scene where Marty is playing the guitar and he looks at this picture of himself and his siblings and he's slowly disappearing. That's how I imagined I must look to the rest of world - like I'm disappearing. Because if I'm not who I used to be, a sidekick girl, then who am I?
I continue to ponder the words long after the message ends. "Who are you becoming?" A light breeze blows through the open window and I watch the lightbulb swing gently back and forth like a pendulum.
Who. Swing. Are. Swing. You. Swing. Becoming. Swing. Swing. Swing.
And finally a quiet voice whispers, "I don't know."
I'm definitely not a sidekick girl anymore. I say I'm a Former Sidekick Girl. But if I'm being honest (and I truly hate to admit this) he's right when he says that by calling myself a Former Sidekick Girl I'm still attached to that sidekick girl story. And...I don't want that story to continue.
I want a new story.
I want to write a new story that's completely separate from that sidekick girl.
But who am I becoming?
Such a simple question yet I'm at a complete loss for words. I'd never given much thought to it other than calling myself a Leading Lady, it's a question that requires a lot of reflection before I can come up with an answer.
The wheels are turning though.
You know you're in good company when said company inquires about your character, your core values and concerns themselves with your personal development. I'm finally starting to understand the importance of Tribes and Squads. You need a power circle of people who inspire you to grow and encourage you to take a long, hard look at yourself. I'm taking a long, hard look at myself now.
I might have an idea of who I'm becoming.
It's not fleshed out quite yet. She's not fully formed but I can see shades of her. Of the person I am becoming.
I am becoming someone who is more responsible with my time, my money, my friendships and relationships.
I am becoming more secure and confident.
I am becoming someone who practices self-love and is adopting a Carefree Black Girl mentality and lifestyle.
I am becoming more comfortable with being alone and with being my own best friend.
I don't have all the answers right now but that's a start.
What about you? Do you think about this kind of stuff? Do you have a tribe or squad to turn to for these types of discussions? Who are you becoming?
Ciao for now,