Marriage and Sex

Can I Be Sexy After Marriage?

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Ah marriage. 

It's every young girl's dream, her life's purpose - to be married. To be a bride. A wife. A mother.

A much anticipated time when she can finally burn her freakum dresses and the high heels, throw away her make-up and just be barefoot and pregnant for the rest of her life. It's a special time in a woman's life when she can stop pretending to chase her own dreams and just become the perfect wife to an ambitious man. 

Once she achieves her only true purpose in life she can basically stop being a woman.

Like. Full stop. No more sexy bras and underwear, no more fancy fragrances, no more eyeshadow and red lipstick and sex toys and all the other tools she used to get the ring in the first place. She can put that all away and stop trying to be attractive. 

Being married gives women permission to let themselves go.

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In case it's not clear, I am being sarcastic.

I don't believe marriage is the end of sexiness for women. I refuse to believe that. I'm still technically a newlywed, so I don't know what marriage is supposed to be these days (because at this point there are so many different opinions on it - like is it even necessary anymore? I don't have a friggin dowry) but I do know that marriage is not the end of sexiness. 

As if, where did that even come from anyway?

Who put those poisonous thoughts in our heads that once a woman becomes a wife or a mother she loses her sex appeal? When did wives become the "old lady" or "old ball and chain"? Why do people still even say that? And who thought that "3 rings of marriage" joke was funny? (Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring...smh)

Al Bundy (from Married with Children) made it seem like being married was the worst thing to happen to him - and we all laughed at his misery! He cringed whenever Peggy wanted to have sex yet drooled over young, single women in tight shirts and short skirts - and we all cheered him on! But really Al was a sexist pig who didn't appreciate his wife.

Too far? Let me calm down...

I enjoyed watching "Married With Children." I thought it was funny at the time. Looking back I totally see how it was problematic but hey, live and learn. I was young, naive and I was basically laughing along with the laugh track - not even always entirely sure what was so funny.

One thing I managed to glean from the too-mature-for-my-young-mind series was that once a woman became a wife she became unattractive to her husband. Also, wives stop having sex after marriage. Yes, my biggest concern was the fact that Al had lost interest in having sex with his wife. As a teenage virgin who, at the time, had to beat the boys off with a stick to keep them from getting my "flower," I couldn't imagine ever not being desired.

But watching the show and others like it where sexist - ahem- I mean, dissatisfied middle-aged men lost interest in their wives - started to make me feel a bit paranoid.

And I started to ask, "What's the point of marriage?"

Then I thought, Ok maybe those women just stopped being sexy. Those women got old and boring. Those women probably weren't willing to be experimental and exciting in bed. And it was then, at the tender age of 16 that I vowed never to be like those women. I would not change. I would not get old. I would always be experimental and fun and spontaneous. And I would wear sexy lingerie every day of the week. 

Yup. I thought I had it all figured out. 

I'm married now and I will say honestly that I definitely do not wear sexy lingerie every day of the week. And well, I'll just leave it at that. I mean, I'm not old either. And I'm still fun. And most important, I still feel sexy. Maybe I'm not beating the men off with a stick as much as I used to but every once in awhile I get a few looks. It's flattering. 

The topic of modesty came up recently and basically throughout the discussion it was impressed upon me that now that I'm somebody's wife I have to be modest, cover up and save "it all" for my husband in the privacy of our home.

W H A T???

To be fair, I totally get that some people are conservative. And in this instance, there was a significant generation gap. But - still - why should I downplay my sexiness just because somebody put a ring on it? 

Did Beyoncé downplay her sexiness after JayZ put a ring on it followed by putting three babies in it? NO SHE DID NOT! In fact, with each baby Beyoncé drops she gets sexier. And she flaunts that sexiness like there's no tomorrow. I love her. 

I know I'm no Beyoncé. 

But I am me. I am a person who spent most of my youth being chaste and fearful of getting pregnant or raped and so I "kept my legs closed" and I covered up and was ashamed of my body.

Why? Because of that stupid question adults used to ask anytime the topic of sex came up, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Even though I had no idea why I was being compared to some random cow I heeded the warning. I was a good girl. The most important thing was to get through school without getting pregnant or being called a slut. Believe it or not, being branded a slut would've been worse than getting pregnant.

I paid my dues. I got married. I made it.

So now I get to be sexy, right?

WRONG. Now apparently I have to pretend it's the 1950s - lemme stop, lemme stop. But seriously though, what is that about? What was the point of wearing the makeup and buying the sexy underwear if you were expected to hide it in the back of the closet once you said, "I do"?

Sexy After Marriage

I feel like I should be able to dress provocatively and look my absolute best anytime I go out with or without my husband. And I should be able to do that without fear of judgment from other women regardless of what generation they are from. It's bad enough men made up this stupid myth about the amount of sex making us "loose" down there in an effort to keep women chaste, but we still have to deal with other women slut-shaming us? 

Stop. That.

Married women can still be sexy.

If you don't believe me just hang a giant poster of Beyoncé on your wall - the one where she's carrying twins in her belly - and let that image of her be a daily reminder for you that married women are not the "old ball and chain." We're simply married but we still remain who we are. 

I married an Italian - women don't even take on the husband's surname in that culture. I like that. I like that I'm still who I am plus I'm married. And I'm sexy. And I like to dress provocatively in public. 

This top is from Zara, by the way. I'm seriously obsessed with lace right now. 

And I. Still. Got. It.

What do you think about this? Should women undergo some kind of wardrobe change after marriage? Or can they dress the way they feel with or without the ring? Or should there be some kind of balance? Let me know your thoughts! 

Ciao for now,

That Former Sidekick Girl x

5 thoughts on “Can I Be Sexy After Marriage?”

  1. This was absolutely awesome! I made that same vow when I was about 16 or 17, I never wanted to be called “the old lady”. If anything, I wanted to always be the kind of wife my husband could feel proud around. Now that I am married, I have noticed that I don’t dress as sexy as I used to outside of the home. I still put lots of effort into my looks, and I wear clothes that compliment me, but I don’t go quite as “all out” like I used to. Despite this, my husband is so thankful for me, and he is genuinely appreciative. I kept my sense of adventure, spontaneity, I don’t bitch or nag, and I don’t treat him like a child.

    Our friends however, have wives who dress much sexier than I do, but their husbands are so unsatisfied because of the nagging, and the complaining, and the general lack of trust. I’m still learning, but I think being sexy goes beyond what 17 year old me once imagined as an appearance only thing. It’s funny how life changes and your perception does too. Thank you so much for sharing this awesome post with us, and getting me to thinking about this again!

    1. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one making vows and trying to avoid being referred to as the “old ball and chain” lol. I’m also glad you figured out what works for your marriage and for yourself. So glad this post has sparked inspiration for you. Thanks again for reading!

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